The mailbox is full

Full of letters from the medical fraternity.

But not a single one of them was from a doctor inviting me onto his luxury yacht to snort coke off the chest of a supermodel.

I'm sure that invite's just been overlooked by NZ Post.

Pee

Making hospitals less scary

Why, why, why do hospitals go out of their way to terrify people?

Most of us already have phobias about the place. So why make it worse?

Every directory board I read sounded grim and gruesome.

Toxicology. Oncology. Bloods. Urology. Radiography.

And on it goes.

For starters, I'd rename Urology as the 'Pee Pee Spot'.

And Oncology the 'Zap the Aliens Arcade'.

Just a thought.

Pee

Today I start writing my books

I've got two projects I want to complete in the next month.

One's called 'This Boy's Life' and is a reCollection of some of the most brilliant times in my life (complete with illustrations).

The other's called 'Life's Wee Lessons' - something for my kids which will teach them some of the world's biggest things in the simplest, funnest ways (also complete with illustrations).

I'll share bits of both of these books on this blog as I go.

Pee

Stuff I've realised since having cancer

In the past eight days lots of things in my life have been put into perspective.

Obviously.

It's amazing how you start to see things through different eyes. The same eyes. But with a different perspective.

Instantly.

Here's a few things I've noticed . . .

1. Reflecting on cherished memories is as invigorating as chasing new ones.
2. When a loved one offers affection, embrace it, and return it with interest.
3. Physical pain is easily-peasily beaten with mental strength.
4. Rugby is just a game. Even the dictionary says so.
5. Most governments and corporations are wildly out of touch with the man on the street.
6. Those with cancer suffer less than those close to them.
7. Conversation is a dying art form that must be kept alive.
8. When getting out of bed without your operation scar hurting is your only concern, you really are pretty fortunate.
9. Savouring a fresh juice alongside a favourite song really is the definition of bliss.
10. The human body is nothing without a soul inside it.

Pee

Pee's Tea

Just a quick note to my Mum-Across-The-Sea (Maz).

I love my tea milky with no sugar.

And one biscuit for dunking (something that didn't eventuate in hospital).

Pee

Van Halen - lest we forget

A few comments re the mix tape in which both Tessa and Dan Carter beat themselves up for not suggesting a Van Halen track.

And so they should.

The mighty VH should be a staple on any upbeat mix.

However, controversially, I selected a track - 'Love Comes Walking In' (Love Walks In) - from when Sammy Hagar was on lead vocals.

In all honesty I sorta prefer him to David Lee Roth.

Sure, 'The Roth' served up 'Panama' and 'Jump', but the album '5150' with Hagar on vocals was mighty special.

Ain't that the great thing about music.

It divides.

But ultimately always conquers.

Pee

An update on that uplifting mix tape . . .

Thanks for all your contributions via blog comments and e-mails.

'Pee's Uplifting Mix 08' features the following gems (apologies for any omissions):

Walking On Sunshine - Katrina and the Waves
Eye of the Tiger - Survivor
Borderline - Madonna
Higher Ground - Stevie Wonder
Simply the Best - Tina Turner
Radio Ga Ga - Queen
You May Be Right - Billy Joel
Monsoon - Robbie Williams
The Anthem - Good Charlotte
Born To Run - Bruce Springsteen
Unskinny Bop - Poison
Just Another Night - Mick Jagger
Real Wild Child - Iggy Pop
Goodbye Astrid - Cold Chisel
Dance to the Music - Sly and the Family Stone
Walking on the Moon - The Police
Can You Feel It - The Jackson Five
Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield
Dance Wiv Me - Dizzee Rascal
The Bird and the Worm - The Used
Jackie Big Tits - The Kooks
Hard Sun - Eddie Vedder
Staring at the Sun - TV on the Radio
Float On - Modest Mouse
Reckoner - Radiohead
Love Comes Walking In - Van Halen
Place Your Hands - Reef
Banquet - Bloc Party
Famous Last Words - My Chemical Romance
I See You Baby - Groove Armada
Ramalama (Bang Bang) - Roisin Murphy
Opinions Won't Keep You Warm At Night - Kisschasy
These are the Days - Natalie Merchant

Pee

Just wanted to say thanks to my family . . .

To Jo - for just being there throughout the last painful/boring/restless week. For rubbing my feet, heating my soup, giving me my medicine, holding my hand and just making me feel not so alone.

To Madison - for the hugs (and for tidying your room).

To Lucas - for stroking my arm gently and asking me if I'm feeling okay.

To Alice - for the beautiful 'I love you Dad' card you made.

To Mum - for popping around yesterday and sitting with me.

To Craig (my bro) - for spending 9 hours with me post-op, just shooting the breeze (me mainly - drugged). We'll have to do more of it.

To Sarah (my sis) - for putting on my anti-blood-clot stockings. They made a huge difference last night.

To everyone reading this blog and helping me stay positive - it means more than you'll know.

It's funny how at certain times little things can mean so much.

Just wanted to let you all know that they're very appreciated.

Pee

Hospital fashion rocks!

A nurse who looked a little like Mrs. Doubtfire insisted I wear these underpants while I was prepping for surgery.

Another nurse came in and said "Under no circumstances can I let you wear those" and took them off me.

Bless her for saving me from even further embarrassment on the operating table.

Pee

One night in hell . . .

I was operated on at 10.30am-ish on Tuesday morning.

It was about an hour's procedure.

I woke from the anaesthetic about 1pm.

And then spent a night in a very crowded recovery room, wall-to-wall with heaving, old-men bodies.

The poor man directly to my right (we were divided by a small curtain, but probably only 1.2 metres apart) managed to vomit up two litres of bile in the wee hours of the morning. I'm not kidding. It was horrific.

The guy to my left was clearly practicing for the upcoming bum trumpet tournament. And managed to follow through.

The chap diagonally opposite had bled right through his pyjamas and was snoring like I've never heard a human snore.

It was quite unsettling for a first time hospital-goer.

Had it not been for the nice old man across the way who picked up my Powerade bottle after I'd knocked it on the floor and the lovely 76-year-old Stan who came to talk to me (he was lonely and a little nervous of his upcoming procedure) I'd have left fairly depressed about the whole decay of the human body and spirit thing that was going on that night.

Pee

Righto, here's the thing . . .

A cancerous right testicle has been removed.

It is currently being analysed (yuk).

I'll have a few more scans in coming weeks to see if/where the cancer may have spread.

I thought they'd simply make an incision in my 'scrotal sac' and take out the diseased gonad. In fact, the procedure involves making a cut just above the groin and removing it through there.

Hence I'm pretty sore today (back home). And walking about like an 88-year-old man. Nice.

They haven't yet placed a prosthetic testicle in my empty pouch, so aside from a little post-operative fluid, my ball bag's flapping around like an empty money purse.

Rather than place a prosthetic nut in my 'scrote' I suggested they put a hacky sack in there. Then, when I'm in the pub I can make money by betting people that I won't flinch when they put the shoe in. And given it's a hacky sack, I can get a whole lot of guys in a round circle to have a go.

My other thought was a Kinder Surprise. Then I'd always know there was something good in there (as opposed to the evil thing they've just extracted).

Pee

See you on the other side . . .

I'm off for surgery.

Will post with news once I return home tomorrow morning (Weds).

Pee

Hey, Miss D-JAY put a record on

Our very own D-Jay Wong asked me what kick-arse (not sad) songs I'll be listening to to keep my spirits up.

Hmmmm. Good call.

I'll have to think about it.

If anyone else is reading this blog, feel free to place your own suggestions in the comments box. Lemme know what songs fire you up, make you run faster, ensure you leap about the bedroom or sing at the top of your lungs.

I'll then make a mixtape of everyone's suggestions and have it with me at all times.

If I was to pick five off the top of my head I'd say:

The Anthem - Good Charlotte
Born To Run - Bruce Springsteen
Unskinny Bop - Poison
Just Another Night - Mick Jagger
Real Wild Child - Iggy Pop

Pee

Medical Mythbusters

Okay. So here's the thing for all males (regardless of sexual persuasion).

When your genital regions are being poked and prodded with strange-man-hands, needles, steel instruments or plastic objects with cold jelly, there's absolutely NO WAY you'll ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever be at risk of experiencing an embarrassing sexual stirring down there. It's just not possible.

Personally, the nurse in the above picture could have strutted her stuff right in front of me for 24 hours after my check-up and I would have still struggled to rise to any sort of occasion whatsoever.

And that's a fact.

Myth busted.

Pee

"Um, what am I here for?"

I wasn't sure what to answer as I faced the receptionist at the Fertility Centre (Sperm Bank) this afternoon?

"A wank?" That wouldn't be right.

So I said "A donation".

Which sounded just as stupid.

But she knew what I meant (a wank) and hustled me off to Room 2.

The same room I was in on Friday.

So lads, unfortunately no addition to the spank mag bibliography today.

Pee

Spirituality, Religion and Charlie Brown

I'm not a religious person. I'm also not very spiritual.

Having said that, I don't know what form of classification exists to determine how religious or spiritual you are.

I just know I haven't recently worn roman sandals and socks, hung out on a commune, quoted Buddha, or visited a church aside from the standard weddings and funerals.

My mother is more of a believer. She gave me a Bible yesterday (no, she wasn't the cab driver from my earlier post).

It was touching. I just don't know how to read a Bible. Do you open it anywhere and rip in? Start at the very beginning? Does it matter? Or does just holding it make you a little more invincible? Yes, I think I'll just put it in my backpack. Knowing it's there if I need it.

For now I'll continue to tap into 'faith' via Charlie Brown. I have loved 'Peanuts' since I was a little boy. Still do. Its creator, and one of my virtual mentors, Charles M. Schulz, was religious and much of his famous cartoon strip made 'right and wrong' lessons accessible to millions who wouldn't ever read a Bible.

Pee

Here's today's sperm donation disguise

Yes, I head off to give my second sperm donation today - ahead of tomorrow's surgery.

Thought about crafting a dodgy disguise to freak out the Fertility Centre assistants.

Reckon this one's a bit off.

Only $364.56 on eBay.

Or would I be better to wear a Minister's robes? Or a dress? Or PVC shorts?

Pee

I Don't Like Mondays . . .

Well, not this particular Monday, anyways.

It marks the first Monday of me as a cancer sufferer.

And not as a regular old Jack Morton WIP attendee.

These little milestones are the hardest.

Makes you feel somewhat alone and removed from normality.

I'll get over it.

Pee

Brothers In Arms?

Re one of my earlier posts covering the sad songs that make me cry (or at least feel very soft), Helen Graney asked why 'Brothers In Arms' by the mighty Dire Straits wasn't featured.

It's a song I often mock her about because of its schmaltzy significance (ask her about it).

Well, Miss Graney, I did in fact play that track (and album) but I didn't have it on iTunes (hence the technicality) - I had to belt it via CD through an old-school CD player in the living room.

Just for the record, I also pulled out CDs by Howard Jones, Joy Division, OMD, Madonna and Genesis.

No secrets on this blog.

Pee

Thanks, Miss Teen South Carolina

Sunday was a lazy day for me.

After the week's stresses I was quite happy to blob out on the floor and watch my beloved MTV.

I was thrilled to find it was a 'Sugar and Spice' marathon - back-to-back beauty queen action.

'Pageant Place' on high rotation. Brilliant!

It was a double bonus because the episodes they showed were a few years old which meant that our dear friend, Miss Teen South Carolina, was centre stage.

Yes, her of the most stupid-arsed response in the history of pageants (if you click on the pic above you'll be able to relive her infamous answer in all its glory).

It made my day.

As it's clearly done for the 27 million people who have accessed it via YouTube.

What's wrong with the world?

Pee

This tag sums it all up . . .

Visualising my cancer monster . . .

'Experts' say you should visualise the cancer in your body so that when you're in chemo pain you can take strength from the knowledge that the bastards are copping even more heat than you.

My monster of choice? The parasite from the movie Cloverfield. Yuk.

I thought of picking NZ Prime Minister Helen Clark, but changed my mind because she's evidently paying my hospital bills.

Pee

Getting fresh (produce) . . .

For some strange reason I've made the decision to only put into my body stuff that's gonna make it stronger. Can't think why? Oh yeah, I have cancer. Duh.

It's actually an absolute joy hitting the fresh produce aisles in the supermarket. All the hot soccer mums hang out there.

I've traded the Coke for vegetable and cranberry juices. (When Coca-Cola's sales figures are in for the next quarter they'll be stumped as to why they've taken such a dip.)

And my new favourite snack du jour is dried pears. Full of chewy yumminess. Go figure.

Pee

PS - Thanks to Lou for the very funny cartoon. Wish I could claim it as one of my own.

She was a little Frank . . .

I caught a taxi post my Fertility Centre hands-on experience.

It was driven by a lovely old Samoan woman. Who kept eyeing me in her rear-view mirror.

After a short while she asked me; "D'you balee in God?" (She had a slight Samoan-English accent - although what I just wrote sounds a little Asian).

Thinking of my current plight and the fact there were healthy criminals running around I wasn't really sure how to answer.

"When I was a little boy I used to go to Sunday school" I said.

"You should go to church every week. Jesus love you. He love us all" she replied.

I responded with nothing.

"You got kids?"

"Yes, three."

"Aaaaaah, man of responsibility."

Now I was feeling very weird. Like my conscience was talking to me via this woman. It was kinda like Frank the Dog in MIB. Freaky deaky stuff.

And still she kept looking at me.

"You got Bible in house?"

"Um, only a picture one."

"You should read your children a story from the Bible every night."

Just then she started drifting across the lane and for the first time in days my future was threatened by something other than cancer.

I remained quiet.

She slowly got tired of the non-responsive passenger in her back seat.

I spent the rest of the ride thinking about what she'd said.

This was the very first time a cab driver had EVER had such a conversation with me. And I've been in hundreds of cabs.

Why now?

A sign?

Hmmm.

Pee

"Magazines are in the bottom drawer."

So said the Fertility Centre assistant as she guided me through the process of sperm donation this afternoon.

She was lovely. But it was all very awkward. When she sent me to the 'room' to access my donation I asked if there was an informal speed record up for grabs? Off the record, like? She looked at me funny. I let it go.

Once inside the room I must admit I was surprised to find it was a lot like the suite I stay in at the Holiday Inn. Only way nicer.

A cool sofa. For sex, I guess. Some mood lighting. For sex, I guess.

I certainly wasn't going to need any of that.

However, I did decide to take a look at the 'magazines in the bottom drawer'. What did I find?

3 x copies of Penthouse Black Label (pretty average stuff)
1 x copy of Crusty Babes (not what it sounds like - these are extreme biker girls)
2 x copies of NZX (dirty Kiwi amateurs - lordy)
1 x copy of Mandate (um)
1 x copy of Playguy (err)

Needless to say I popped them back, closed my eyes and thought of the scene in 'Eight Mile' where Eminem and Brittany Murphy steam up the metal factory.

I was out in under 12 minutes.

With most of that taken up with washing my hands.

The assistant was most impressed.

Mind you, I saw an older man in the room before me, so the bar wasn't set that high.

Pee

Sad songs say so much . . .

Sure, that was an Elton John (Bernie Taupin) lyric. But Elton's best mate, Mr. Michael knew how to craft a wicked tearjerker, too. In a moment of self-indulgent sadness today I made a list of the gushy songs that make me cry. Then played them while looking at photos of my friends and family. Try it. It's pretty heartbreaking. What did I play? Here's 10 tracks that copped a hiding on my iTunes this afternoon:

Bad - U2
Nothing Lasts Forever - Echo and the Bunnymen
In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel
Father Figure - George Michael
Manhattan Skyline - A-ha
Save A Prayer - Duran Duran
Empty Garden (Hey, Hey Johnny) - Elton John
Mad World - Tears for Fears
Don't Go Away - Oasis
Better Man - Robbie Williams

Didn't take long to pull myself together, though.

'Cos I had to head to the Fertility Centre to have some of my sperm frozen (just in case).

Speaking of pulling myself . . .

Nice.

Pee

Welcome to philosopee.

This blog is me making sense of some pretty crazy stuff that's just entered my life.

I have chosen this image by Ezra Jack Keats to kinda signify the flavour of the whole thing.

It's all about optimism. Hope. Child-like wonder.

It's all about 'if' not 'when'.

I'm gonna write down every crazy little thing that happens. Every day. To mock it. To stay sane. To make myself laugh. And hopefully to give you all an insight into a world I hope you never have to visit.

One of needles, nurses, narcotics and nausea. Not exactly strategic brand descriptors for a successful amusement park.

So, join me for the ride if you wish.

Or just pop back for a stroll every so often.

I'll be here.

Pee