If I wasn't nursing a hacked groin/ball bag and someone asked me what five wishes they could grant me I'd probably say something like a threesome with Blake Lively and Abbie Cornish blah blah fantasy blah blah selfish greedy blah blah.
However, given my predicament there's really only five wishes I'd love granted . . .
1. The ability to tie up the laces on my running shoes and go for a jog.
2. The ability to have a night's sleep that didn't require me to lie dead still on my back for fear of aggravating my groin.
3. The ability to have an erection that's not immediately followed by the terror that your wound will pop open.
4. The ability to pick up my daughter, Alice, hug her, and carry her to bed when she asks me to.
5. The ability to wear pants that don't look like a cross between medical scrubs and bad Steven Seagal dojo-wear.
Is that too much to ask?
Pee
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